YoumaCon Journey

OMG xD haha. I'm on my way to Flint Michigan to meet up with [u=bd84] for YoumaCon, so I'm sitting in the Seattle Airport right now (I live in Spokane, WA btw--5 hour drive to Seattle, 1 hour flight to Seattle). I have about an hour before I get on this next flight and then it's a 4 hour flight to Detroit MI before I have a 4 hour wait in the airport and then I leave to go to Flint MI (an hour flight) at 9 am xD I get there at 10 am.

Keep in mind... I left Spokane at 6'30 PM xD The flight is a total of 12 hrs and 24 mins or so. *flop*

I'm gonna have fun though. Really. I'm just scared shitless of heights xD I nearly had a panic attack when we took off and I was white knuckling the seat before me when we landed xD;; *baby* The night city lights here are beautiful though. I liked looking out the window. LOL who knows why since I'm scared of heights.

Hmmm... I suppose I could say this <3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE <3 <3 <3 Owl's turned 20 today (Halloween) and I almost missed it all--thank god there's interweb at the airport haha! I love you hunny <3 *KISS*

This might be my last update until the 7th. I don't know if there's net at this hotel we're staying at xD I'm so tired. I wish I could sleep xD Baii baii! <3

30 Hours +

Omg, so... I've been up for over 30 hours now. I'm going to bed now. For once--this wasn't my insomnia at least. Instead, I had a friend over and we hung out all night--and I mean ALL NIGHT--I tried to nap at like... 11am but then her mother called for us to help set up for the Halloween party we had tonight so I ended up staying up. All day and now it's 9:30 pm xD; I feel like a zombie.

Anyway, the party was fun--we got to watch 1408 and play PIU (Pump It Up) and stuff. There was ping pong and fear factor xD Lol. it was the best part I think xD Just because I got to take pictures. Mmm, anyway--I dunno. Lol

Just a few more days before I leave for Michigan to attend Youmacon! AND it turns out I'll more than likely be going to another convention in May next year (2008). I'm pretty excited--I couldn't think of what I wanted for Christmas, so I told my mom to tell the family I just wanted money for the plane and hotel--so I could spend the next months saving for spending money and to get ready to move out. I don't know if I'll be going alone or not yet. We'll see.

Oh and the con in May is A-Kon in Dallas, TX. My friend wanted to come with me--though we don't know if she'll be able to go due to High School finals being like.. the day after xD I'm not sure who I'll cosplay yet. I'll have to think up something affordable heheh, for those who read, recommendations are welcome! I'm going as Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop this year at Youmacon. I'm gonna be COLD <3 xD LOL oh well.

Uhh, I dunno what more to say. I feel brain dead. *zombieeeeeee*

Oh. I have more to rant about--but I'll do that when I'm alive again. I don't feel like thinking it all out right now. Lol.

Loves ya all <3

Radical Edward In The Making!

ALMOST THERE! I just have the hair colour left to do :3 Woohoo! I'm SO FUCKING EXCITED XD I'm just so happy to go on a trip--get away from here and stuff :3 weeeeeee and have fun with new people!

I dunno what more to say :3 I'll post more stuff later with my full cosplay <3

Babeh!

YAY xD My sister, Chelsea, had her baby October 13, 2007 at 5:29pm! She went into labor the night before at 7:30pm xP Poor her <3 They now have a beautiful baby boy named Vincent Lucias Chandler. I'm sick still, but thanks to masks at the hospital, I got to hold him <3

I want a babeh. Hells I want my lover here too xD; But I don't have that now do I? Oh well. Mmm, it's just lonely here. Haha. Hopefully I'll be babysitting the kid a lot for a job and it won't be so lonely. My friends here either have school of abandoned me xD; and my stepsisters drive me insane xP I can't take living here much longer. Once I get back from my trip I'm getting a job and getting on with life.

Anyway, sicky should be asleep. It's 4 am but I'm not tired because I sleep for 12 or more hours on sleeping cold meds xD;; fuuu

Sick xP

Oh man, I'm getting soo sick again xP Figures. My throat is sore and a little swollen, and I have a nasal drip xP so gross. I feel like I could drown in my snot. It's worse if I lay down. My jaw is kinda stiff, and it hurts to yawn ;__; Dammiiittt *goes and dies*

Well, I guess I'll see if I have the mind for drawing today. I might just sleep xD; I dunno yet. Sleeping is less painful. Haha

<3

GRARH XD

OMG OCD SUCKS.

Fuuu xD I'm tired but my brain doesn't want to sleep yet. It WON'T SHUT UP. xP *dies*

I dunno what to talk about. I was thinking about homecoming (went to it Saturday) and how it was fun, and how I was more than likely going to Prom as well unless for some reason I wasn't around the area at the time. We'll see how things go, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still here xD I don't know when I'll ever leave.

Then I thought about random things about prom, and then I wanted to draw, but I don't really want to. xP I'd just get frustrated. AND THERE'S THIS BUG DRIVING ME INSANE. He's after my liiiighhhttttt. It's MINE dammit. MINE <3 :p

Uhh I dunno what more to say. <3 I'm gonna try to make my brain shut up so I can sleep <3

Family Is Awesome <3

You know, you never realize what you take for granted in life. I never think about the fact that I have great grandparents. It's not that common once you become an adult. I mean, really, I'm the 4th generation in my family--we're all alive but their sons who died prematurely of illness. If I don't have a child in my lifetime, then I'm the end of the line--I hope that I bring a child to this world <3 It'd be grand.

You might think this is really random, but it's 4 am and I just got done talking with my great grandfather, Papa. Heh, it was nice. I don't do it often, and I really should, I just never know what to talk about. He has a bad habit of talking about the same things over and over again xD I know his war stories, I know his history and about his friends who recently started to make something of themselves. He's in his 80's but you know what? He's still the coolest guy I know xD I love him and I don't think I really convey that to him enough anymore. I miss when I was younger and we used to wrestle, or I was a 'fox' and tried to get him. I mean, it was fun. I miss being able to go out and play in the sun without worrying about my health. I miss the BBQs we had every year. When grandpa would cook and we'd all sit out there in the shade and we'd swim. Before my family fell apart. Before everyone started to drop like flies.

Anyway, you know what started my conversation with him? He was telling me about a man--a country singer--who he thought was the most amazing guitarist he'd ever heard. So I wanted to show him who I amazed me, Miyavi, and we talked about the style for a while, influence...then the question I seem to get so often now--why did I stop singing? I'm going to record him a tape or something. Maybe I'll find a way to record a cd and give it to him soon. Him and Mama, because then they can hear me whenever they want. These are the two people I just.. don't want to ever go away forever. They've always seemed immortal to me, but here my Mama is.. lying in bed with a bag for a bladder because hers got cancer and they had to remove it. And now something else is wrong.. and I don't think I'll have her much longer. I wanted them to see me married and stuff, you know? They were so proud of me, they always have been and they will be all the way to their deathbed and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll manage to live a bit longer.. and maybe things will work out you know? I kinda almost want to set up a pretend wedding, just for my Papa. He always bragged about living to see it, but now.. he seems so doubtful. I'm afraid of being left without them. I don't know how I'll take it. When my grandfather died, I fell ill... I couldn't sleep or eat. I was in shock, and I'm still.. hurting so much from it. I fear the day I lose the two most important people to me. The two people that never thought any different of me when anything went wrong. Even when the police said I'd lied about being molested because I was schizophrenic, they never brought it up with me. They never questioned me about it, they still believed me, they were all I had until I managed to talk my mother into letting me see my friends again. And even then... I had to see my friends while with other friends xP It was hell.

Ugh, yeah.... I don't want to lose them. I'm gonna need someone close when it happens, or I'm not gonna make it. I don't trust my mother for that support. When I was just 14/15 and my grandfather was dying from a slow, painful disease, she told me to buck up. She told me I couldn't cry. I started crying once when we went to see him, and she dragged me out and yelled at me. Told me he was getting better when we all knew he wasn't. He had gone blind... and he was going deaf. Then he finally just couldn't function. It took months. Then my mother got mad that I wasn't doing well in school when he died. And after. She didn't understand why I didn't want to do anything anymore. I dunno. I'm still bitter about a lot of things my mother did. I mean yeah, she's been a good mother and she's made sure I had what I needed for the most part but I was always yelled at for having depression, she didn't believe in it, she didn't understand. Now... I don't cut like I used to, and my sister does for attention, and guess who's getting the attention from it she's after? Now she believes that kids get depression. But she stopped getting my meds and I dunno. I'm kinda. yeah. I'm pissed off about a lot of ways my mother treated me through my teens. I never did anything wrong, but it seemed like she thought so. She and I still don't talk much.

I'm done talking about that. I don't want to anymore. I just get mad and then feel like crap because I remember how unwanted I was to my mother. How she thought that I was just a waste of time.

Anyway... I'm gonna try to spend more time with them. Who knows how much time I've got left. I uh... I dunno xD; It was just nice.. I'm just terrified. I'm not ready to lose them haha. Even after 18 years, it feels too soon. The rest of my family is too busy for me, they never are... they sit here and wait for my next visit. For now, I'm going to draw. And then when I get home, I'm going to paint something for them. They need something new of mine on their walls. I need to be unlazy and just do it. <3 I don't think I'm going to sleep well tonight... Kinda sucks. Oh well. I'll sleep through the night well after I do laundry for Mama later. I just have to remember to get up and ready for homecoming. Oh man. My sister gets up soon xD hahah. Damn. Oh well.

Night people <3 I'll have new art soon.

AGHWTFOMG *PULLSHAIR* *depressed* *cry*

Why is it that it's easier for my stoner, runaway minor sister to get a job than it is for me? ;__; I'm legal, never done a drug in my life, never ran away or done SHIT and I'm stuck without a job still. I've searched EVERYWHERE, and all she did was get a call from the lady who helped her get her GED and she got a job (mind you, she got the call while she was like, wasted. She couldn't pass a drug test for the life of her xP she was a runaway when she got the job--it's the only reason she came home).

Agh, I'm so stressed I'm getting sick. If one sister isn't causing trouble, it's the other. Or it's both at the same time. I can't take it anymore. I'm at the point where i just cry randomly. My sleeping patterns are so messed up, I'm sleeping in shifts. I eat maybe once a day and I play Guitar Hero to blow steam. Most of my friends here in town have moved away or they've gotten lives of their own (family, work, moved on, forgot about me). And even then, my so called best friend (who moved for good reason, I don't blame her) hardly talks to me again. Comes here the day she's moving, says goodbye and then our conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: Heya~ <3
Her: Hihi
Me: How're ya?
Her: eh
Me: sad, kinda the same.
(silence)
Me: What'cha up to?
Her: Not a lot.
(more silence and maybe idle chatter for a moment about something I bring up if I'm doing something, but other than that, nada.)

I dunno. I'm frustrated. I have TWO friends from high school that didn't turn around and stab me in the back. Not a single person I graduated with talks to me anymore, nor would they probably talk to me. People are so fake now days. It makes me cry so much--I feel like I've been toyed with for 4 years by them all. Ugh fuck. Whatever. It's over now. I just wish I didn't have to live here. I want to live somewhere I'll be HAPPY. I wanna be with the people who actually give a shit. And I'd drag the two I have left here with me.

Ugh. I'm gonna go. I dunno what more to say. I'm unhappy. Sorry if any 'emo' art comes up. I usually express it visually rather than physically. Though, I have something to look forward to! In one month I go to YoumaCon! So that'll be fun. I have enough for the ticket and once I make sure I'm heading for the right airport and how long they want me to stay there, I'm gonna make it all happen. I'm pretty stoked about that... maybe a getaway with new people will be good for me...

If you're going to YoumaCon, lemme know <3 I'll try to find you. I'll be dressing as Reno from FF7. I'll never do him justice xD; but hey, it'll be fun nonetheless.

<3 Bai bai.. it's 4'30 am.. I'm not tired yet but I'm getting a headache. I might linger a bit longer, I dunno.

*snort* Fuck

My sisters took off again. Yes, this has happened many times now. They go off, party come back, but sometimes they try to just run away. They're being dumb and stressing us all out. xP My sister (the oldest--but my younger sister still) has her phone off/it's dead so we have no way to contact them and she can't get in touch with us. The other sister (younger yet) is risking going to Juvie (which for those who don't know, it's like prison for minors kinda. More lax--it's a disciplinary for minors (under 18) who break (usually minor) laws.

The youngest sister (Juvie girl) is 15. She's troubled. I know it, everyone knows. She cuts, and I bandage her up, she goes and does drugs and we have to watch her go through withdrawals, and then she comes home after having sex with guys she can't even remember the names of and we have to get the tests done for STDs and pregnancy.

My other sister is 16. She does pot, but nothin' else, and I'm pretty sure she's starting to become a sex addict xP It's crazy here. I just want a break from this crap. It makes me cry. I want someone right here to curl up with, but I would never take anyone but Owl xP Well, I would cuddle with Syan or Wind or K-Chan or Charha or anyone who'd be a good friend of me and let me <3 But yeah. I think you all should understand what I mean.

I have a headache, and I'm tired and cranky and I wanna cry xP I don't like crying. Makes me feel like a baby, even if I was told it's good for me, I just feel like I cry too much. At least I'm not cutting again. I was going to the other day, but could you imagine the CATS would steal my devices? It figured xD; For the best. I'm sure.

I don't know what more to say for now. I was gonna say more about my sisters, but I'm just too exhausted. I want to sleep for a long time xP I'm too tired for all of this. I wish they would behave. *sigh*

Night loves <3

;_; Sick

Very much so. This sucks. It's 4 am and I just got done with my run to the bathroom to bow to my porcelain god. My head hurts, there's vomit stuck in my nose and I'm tired ;___; All this over breakfast dammit! That's what I get for eating cheese--but I wonder if it's food poisoning. because I've never been this sick over my lactose intolerance. And they have very similar symptoms. Almost exact actually xP

Mm but that pic makes me smiles, so it's all good, really *flop*

Ugh I dunno. I'm gonna try to sleep again. After one more run to the bathroom. Night <3 *dies*

Tako <3

Mm, I dunno what to say really. I'm trying to stay awake because I really wanna hang with my friend, but it's getting a little hard now that it's 2:30 am. I'm gonna go try for Oki Doki again, tho I have a chance at DEB, I don't really want it. My mom told me to just go for the one I would enjoy, and Yun is in need of a worker <3 so I'm hoping I can go Monday and take a shot at working there. I would love it so much. So very much. It's my dream job right now xD hahaha. Handling Japanese imports.

Hmn, anyway... I've been pretty depressed lately. I just can't seem to shake it. Part of it might be my worry for Owl. He hasn't been on in days--I think about a week now. I asked his best friend and she didn't say anything back to me.. So I don't know. I just want to know he's okay. xP Maybe he had somewhere to go.. and I just didn't get the message. His phone isn't that reliable. I hope he didn't lose net access again, but if he did, I suppose I'll be waiting patiently again <3 I don't mind.

I'm having fun with art lately. It's nice. I've been doing these pen doodles <3 They're kinda fun. I need to do commissions once people let me be here a bit and I get information on the rest of my commissions. I need to get together a couple gifts too. hahah, all my friends are fall children xP Their b-days are all in a row (some of them literally so xD Oct. 31 for two and Nov. 1 for another!).

I have this cute plush dog <3 I'm in love with it. He's green and purple and pink ^___^ I love him so much. I've named him Tako <3 *giggle* Good name for a strange little puppy :3

Uhhh other things I'm working on is the gaia shop with Rainiy. I'm gonna reopen soon with chibi art only <3 Because the other is for my real life commissions <3 I'm in need of real money, not Gaia gold xD haha I have plenty of that.

I'm at a loss of what more there could be to say. I think I'll doodle some more while I wait for her <3

Night Night <3

Blah

Man. First thing my mom did when she walked in was make me feel ugly ~o~; Seriously. She walked in and looked at what I was wearing and said "what is that?' Then told me to wear something under it. She didn't want to see my body xP so I went and got a sweater on, even though I was sitting right next to a heater. *sigh*

I was away for a week, but my mom invited my friends over without telling me, so now I'm stuck back at home. I was having a lot more fun at my great grandmothers. It was nice. I hope i get the job, for then I'll have to stay there everyday I have work.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Kinda lonely online xD Everyone else is busy, asleep or I don't even know where xP Like. My boyfriend, but that's okay. I'm sure he's fine. <3 I wish I had another way to get a hold of him ;_; ugh, bed for me. Maybe I'll draw or colour <3

Night <3

PWN!

HAH I win!!! xD I so win <3

I just got an interview for work. I'm stoked. OMG. Hahah! It's at this shop called DEB. They sell young women's clothing and prom dresses and it's at the mall. YEEEEEEEEEE *dies* xD I hope I get the job. Oh man do I hope. Even if it might just be part time. ANYTHING <3 ^_________________^ PLEASE.

*rolls around* Anyway. I'm gonna try to call them again, and if they're still busy toning me xD I'll just take the bus and go in. I'm pretty sure she said that'd be okay. I can at least set up a time for an interview and shop around a little bit. Hehehe.

I need to write more letters to people <3 Loves to you all ^_^ btw, Love you mama! *chu!*

Depression Sucks

Oh yes it does. I'm really.. tired of being so sad. I want to be happy, but I just... feel like crying all the time. I've found a few things to keep me occupied <3>.> kay. maybe I figured it out, but guess what?! XD I don't have a printer!! xD I'm so screwed. Damn it all >.> Fine. I'll wait one more day xD I've gotta find a printer. Maybe... my friend >.> hmm. Her phone is off tho ;__; meanie!!

I dunno now xD hahaha. I should got to bed. I have 5 and a half hours left to sleep <3 Niiiiiiiight

PS *points at pic* THAT is mah BABEH <3 I love him ^______^ Hee hee

Bummer!

Bah, everyone's moving away. My best friend ish moving to like, Texas--maybe NY. I wish I could just go with her, but she's goin' with a friend. I don't blame her for getting away. I hope there's better things for her over there. I really do. My life is pretty boring compared to hers.

I might have found a job. I need to go over soon. I wanted something in town, but across the street from where I live wouldn't be so bad. Would be really nice really. So I'm gonna give it a shot. It's an Arby's so at least it's good food. I love their sandwiches. I need to walk over there or something. Dammit xD It's hot out. Maybe mom will drive me over tonight.

Hmm. I dunno what more to say. I'm gonna see people around this week. I have a dentist appt Monday. Yuck xD

Oh I know what I wanted to say. There's no food here xP We just had 7 people in this house and there's nothing to eat anymore. We didn't have much to start with. Mom didn't bring home food either. I'm so bloody hungry, but I guess I'm just going to ignore it and pretend I had something good to eat xD; I know it's not good for me, but we don't have money, and I've been having trouble getting a job, and can you imagine that mom doesn't really give a shit? She just tells me I'm not trying hard enough. I'm just some fucked up perverted failure to her, and I'm just. rawr. I don't even want to get started on that.

I hate how heavy I am, but man.... This isn't a way to lose weight. I think I've lost 10 lbs. I'm not eating a lot and I'm playing DDR a lot. It's probably not a good combo. Whenever I almost throw up, I can taste the bile. It's nasty. I get heartburn all the time. This all sucks. xP

Whatever. I'll get a job and get my own damn food. I need to get my license too. Then I could drive a bit. Egh, whatever. Thinking about it is only making me hungrier. I'm gonna go work on commissions now <3

R.I.P?

I didn't know her, but today my step-sisters' step aunt was murdered today. So I've been comforting today. My youngest sister (Emi) was close to her, and so she's been pretty upset. I don't have much to say about it. It's a shame. She lived in Moses Lake, WA.

So, then a bit after they found out and Emi was calming down, Becca went back to her room and after a moment yelled something. Sounded like "Nooo, stop it!!" and mom and I RAN back to the room. We thought she'd yelled because Emi was cutting and trying to kill herself. She actually had yelled that mom sucked xD Becaues she was right about the bed not fiting back there. xD;; Got. it was like--instant heartattack.

Dunno what more to say. I made sushi today. it was good : 3 and looked decent for once xD *look at the piccu above*

*fumes*

FUCK YOU.

.......

GOD I'm so fucking TIRED of this!!! I'M BLOODY EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD FOR FUCKS SAKE. I'm NOT a baby. I can CHOOSE MY OWN LIFE. I wanna draw porn? YAY I CAN. Because I'm an ADULT in all legal senses but drinking!! HAH. So fuck you mom. The ONE THING I'M GOOD AT AND YOU JUST CAN'T APPRECIATE ME FOR ANY OF IT. You don't even like my art when it's just normal.

I'm tired of being the BAD KID because I DRAW MAN SEX. Omg NO. It's so horrible. Because you know. It's SO MUCH WORSE THAN ALMOST GETTING PREGNANT, OR RUNNING AWAY, DOING DRUGS AND ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. Because what YOU READ about your favourite SLASHES between BANDS is so much BETTER! THAT'S PORN TOO!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT DIFFERENT! Yet you look down at ME?! ME?!?! What kind of RIGHT do you think you HAVE?! Is it RELIGION?! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR GOD THINKS ABOUT ME. I really really really really don't. I'm so sick of this. Leave me alone if you're just gonna rub it in that I don't fit in. I need a job.. commissions.. something. Fuck someone PLEASE fucking help me.. I need to get out of here. Before I lose it. Before I do something stupid. Why'd she have to come into my room? She never does. Never. But now she had to. And now I don't know. She's not mad, but she acted like it was SO WRONG. She called it a train wreck you just couldn't stop looking at. I just want to go away. Really bad. Go away. Damn it. Just leave me the fuck alone. Let me live MY LIFE. It's MINE. Not yours.

Damn it. I'm done. I'm not letting this ruin my night. It's going to be a fucking good night.

Fuckkk Kill Me Now

You know what's more than sad? When you get a bit sad because your ex has cut you out of every picture--memory--online, but still dare to say anything online to you. I dunno why it's bugging me really. Yay, great, she's all better now that I'm gone. Yay, she's actually getting into GUYS now that I'M gone. Because you know. I Dunnno. Jezus. I'm tired. I'm too emotional for my own good. I guess I'm just frustrated that even though she said she couldn't let me go no matter how she tried, as soon as I confronted her about things she said behind my back it was like she just magically knew how to *grunts* I still.. Have pictures of her. I have things from prom. I have a couple of pics I liked of her here or there. I hate myself right now for not just trashing them. I should have, but I can't. I'm so upset right now, I'm trembling, and I hate it. Why can't I just be cold and heartless? I'd love to be right now. But then, you know.. I wouldn't be in love. And I am. And I will never love someone so much I think. He's my everything and that's all I need. Even if it's via IM so far. That's 3 years off and on of love that never died or really faltered.

There are so many things I wish had gone different. I wish I'd been loyal to her in the beginning--but I wasn't. I was stupid and young and I wasn't. I guess it could make me a horrible horrible person. I never said I was perfect, but I'm not like that anymore. I've chosen. I'm HAPPY with my choice, and that should be what matters--but dammit. I'm a cancer. I naturally DWELL ON THE PAST. God damn, I'm horrible about it. I bet if I went to a shrink and told them things I dwell on from the past, they'd say I was a bit OCD. I can't not dwell on it. I TRY SO HARD not to. So very hard, but it's there. Nagging and nagging and nagging until I've gone mad. Sometimes I cry. Depends. Sometimes I dwell on something I forgot to give back to a friend over 5 years ago. Sometimes I dwell on something I did I shouldn't have--or something that upset me--or how pathetically easily upset I get!

Sometimes.. I wonder if I would have been better off if I had never gone to the police back then. Maybe then my sisters would have had better lives. I don't know. I think.. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't though. I think I'd be dead. Because I wouldn't have lasted more than 7 years in that. Not with him. Not letting him touch me. I couldn't. Even if he said he was going to stop--I was scared. But I only made things worse--my mother hated me, the police said I was lying for attention. Well FUCK YOU. So what if my mom didn't get to spend much time with me. She still doesn't. I have jealousy problems when it comes to it--sure. I get depressed when my mom treats me different than my sisters, but I would never LIE to get my way. Fuck. Not about something like that. I don't know why mom stayed with him though. I really don't. While with her, he made TWO CHILDREN WITH OTHER WOMEN. She didn't do shit. He grew and sold drugs from home. I knew. I watched. I saw it all. At night.. He'd come home. Drunk. Or High. Something. He'd come in my room before anywhere else. And I just remember waking at night, and I can see the hall light... and he's there over me and he's got a hand down my pants. And it's all I can do to hope he'd done soon and I close my eyes and wait, pretend I'm still asleep. Hope he didn't notice. Don't make noise.. in fear of being hit. Don't make noise, because he's told me not to. It's our secret. I don't want that secret. I'm so tired of that secret. I wish I hadn't grown up so naive. I didn't start to object.. not until I was in 7th grade. It took me 6 years to realize that was wrong. Because I was so sheltered by petty religion.

Wow. I hate how my brain works. I should stop this. I went from ex to being molested. LOL Sad. I guess I got there some logical way in my brain. Who knows.

Anyway. Onto other news. I am plastering my walls with art. I'm happy. It's great <3 Two walls so far. Half way done <3 Then I might do my ceiling as well. Who knows. And man. I need a new incense bottle. Mine's being a butt and dying on me. Dammit all. That's okay. I want the 10 dollar ones anyway. maybe. Might go 20. *shrug* Depends on what I find.

I'm bummed. Turns out the shop I want to work at might be moving to a different state because traffic here just isn't enough. That makes me so sad. I loved shopping there. If she leaves, I'll have to buy all my Japanese goodies online ;___; expensive shipping! Noo! I'm even more bummed because that was my best chance at work ;__; now I guess I'll have to go to fast food. Ew xD Owl might like Taco Bell, but food outside of home isn't that great for me xD haha Even restraunts. If someone knows how to cook, I love home cooked meals <3 Just something nice about them. I guess because I don't get them often.

Hmmm So, I dunno. I'm kinda tired. It's 7 am ish. I haven't slept. I guess I should. I'll finish my walls later when I wake LOL <3 Hopefully I don't give my self nightmares with my dwellings. That would suck.. I don't have anyone right here to turn to. Not a single person right here. Makes me utterly sad. *sigh* Gah. No more thinking. I'm done thinking. I'm gonna go be a lifeless doll for a few hours or something.

G'night to the like... invisible people who read this xD *kisses to all who really do*

<3>

SIGN: "FUCK ME <3"

Hahah I'm tired xD It's almost 4 am. I was tired at midnight, but It's the weekend! I want fun! I DEMAND FUN. <3

Uh anyway. I'm bored. I want a JOB. Damn it all xD All my friends are still in highschool. I graduated. None of my friends who graduated with me talk to me. Whatever, I don't really care. I just wish I'd not done that summer program and just stuck it out one more year. It wouldn't have sucked. I'd be with really cool people and teachers I like. But no, now I'm sitting here everyday. Wishing someone would hire the ex-janitor xP Maybe I should go see if there's anyone who needs a new house keeper at those hotels. I need to find one something. I'm gonna have to go to fast food too xP ew. I just don't like the smell of grease. lol

I'm pretty happy tho. I got in touch with a good friend of mine I haven't talked to in FOREVER. She was my bestest friend since we were both 3 years old. I'm gonna go hang with her for a day soon while she's in town :3 I can't wait.

OH I graduated driver's ed :3 Yay for me. Now I just need to do skid monster and take the test to get my license :3

Mmm I love the new mt dew :3 for the Halo stuff. Soooo goooood. Though hahah funny thing happened the first time I had some xD I was walking from the art store with my sister and after I took a sip (while walking) I just started coughing (no, I didn't inhale it xD I have coughing fits from time to time) and OMG dew does NOT feel good out the nose xD I just coughed, doubled over and it was like I was bleeding orange!! xD LOL I had to run into the restaurant we were by. It was embarrassing xD I was trying to make it look like I had a nose bleed. My sister thought I was dying until she realized all I'd done was cough dew up through my nose xD Then she laughed her ass off alllll day.

Hmn, I dunno what more to talk about. Im' tired. I needed to clean my room, I'll do it another day. I have art stuff to do too :3 But I REALLY want to enter the Blaqk Audio poster contest on DA :3 I think I might have to. I'll just pop the CD in and start drawing the first thing that hits me <3

Other than that, meh. I can't wait for the fair next weekend :3 yay fair!

Anyway, nothin' more to say <3 Bai bai :3

Tetsu

Little Update :3

My life is kinda calming down now. My sister is back and safe and getting the help she needs. She's also been diagnosed with Post Partum, so she's on medication. She's been told that if she does any drugs and/or runs away or anything else she used to be doing, she will go right to Juvie or Jail depending on the act. But the good thing is she's back, though she's going through withdrawals, so she's shaking really bad.

I've gone back to being the advice person again <3>.> Though I fear I almost made it worse at a few points! I'm not a very good advice giver xD You really shouldn't come to me! Though d0n't hesitate rambling to me about your life! I love knowing what's going on with my friends ;_; I always feel out of the loop when people dun talk to me!

But yah I have a new idea for a banner and maybe layout for this place. We'll see <3

Oh. I get my compy back soon. It still doesn't work, but I want it back because he's not finishing it lol. He can't because he didn't have the S/O but oh well. I'll see if the guys at mom's work can.

I dunno what else to talk about. Listening to AFI again xD Darn you Syan for getting me into them. I kinda wish I could go to their concert at the end of Sept, but I doubt it ;_; because I'm broke and I can't seem to get a job. *feeling a bit screwed right now*

My Sister The 'Criminal'!

LOL So OMGWTF <3 My sister was found by her real mom downtown and then the police got involved somehow and she finally got asked if she wanted to go home to her dad or go to the lock-up--guess where she went?? JUVIE LOL. Wtf I don't understand xD I mean, yeah. Her dad is an ass, but I think that he'd be WAY better than juvie. She's there until 'futher notice' and her dad might be putting her in rehab for alcohol and crap. She's just an idiot. I hope she learns her lesson there though. I really do.

She thinks it so cool but you know, it's not surprising with the people she considered good friends. One of them was under house arrest for giving a hand-job to a TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY. xP and the boyfriend was messin' around with his LITTLE SISTER. FTW?! I mean, really. Oh well.

I'm gonna go to bed. I wish drama would stop happening xD So I could sleep at night and play in the day. Instead I stress all day and play all night and I forget how to sleep! Yay insomnia! xP; Blah. Sleepless night. I'm goin to go to bed. Even tho it's 7 am xD lol oh well. Can't be helped, at least I had a fun sleepless night <3

Tetsu Could Use A Hug xP

6'45 am, the phone rings. You know, I don't think a lot about stuff like that but this time it wasn't good (usually isn't but now is a bit worse) and it turns out my youngest sister Emily (the cutter) has run away again. She left last night while everyone was asleep.

For a while, she'd been sneaking a friend in at night and hanging out with her. Her dad caught her every time and finally went to tell the girl's mother. Now, Emi doesn't choose the best friends in the world. The girl decided that since she was in trouble she would spill everything about Emily: The drugs, sex... EVERYTHING. And what's more, Emily had her little sister over staying with her cuz her mom is in a women's shelter at the moment hiding from some guy, and Emi LET HER SISTER DO POT. I mean seriously. Her sister is ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I just don't understand. At All.

Oh well, I'm tired of stress. I'm just gonna go to class and try to relax on my drive. I should be okay x3; Bai bai for now.

Tetsu

Meme! xD *BORED*

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Tetsu
2. Mika
3. Mikaeden

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Tetsumiro
2. jpaneezLemnaid
3. Mika-Chan

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Artz!
2. Feet xD *dun ask*
3. Pale Skin

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My weight xP
2. ME =p
3. Untamed, furlike "Black" hair xD; (not to be offensive--I've just been called black cuz of mah hair xD)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish/Scottish
2. Canadian
3. Cherokee

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU (or mostly creep you out):
1. Balloons
2. The decomposing process of a human
3. Bein' Lonely

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My laptop xD
2. Copicmarkers, pencils and paper!
3. FRIENDS <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. MManson shirt
2. Glow in the dark star sweater
3. Blue jeans xD

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment):
1. Miyavi
2. The Used
3. MCR

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Build God and Then We'll Talk - Panic At The Disco
2. This Ain't A Scene - FOB
3. Smother Me - The Used

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Lose weight
2. Get lots of money for November's trip xP
3. See friends in other states.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Trust
2. Affection
3. Honesty

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes - love unique eyes <3 style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">
3. Personality - kind and affectionate but not overly so. Well balanced and controlled.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Lose weight xD;
2. Go to bed early
3. Dance x3

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Drawing
2. Roleplaying
3. Yaoi xD

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. English in Japan or Germany
2. Manga-ka/illustrator
3. Graphic Designer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Japan
2. Germany
3. Anywhere mah friends live x3 (Finland, Argentina, other statesssss)

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Fiorae
2. Fraklyn
3. Angel

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Go around the world
2. Get a comic done
3. Finish my book

Moving On In Life

So, it's been rough here lately. The tension at home was high for a while because my sisters don't do too well in the same room for too long. They were constantly fighting over the computer. I even got upset enough (because I was feeling so ill) that I took the initiative of crawling out of bed and screaming at them. I hate yelling. I rarely do it, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was shaking so much but the fact they shut up with my yelling made me feel so much better. I had needed to scream for a long time.

I feel bad sometimes, but my youngest sister is hard to live with. I love her, but she's just so different from me that well, sometimes my patience with her runs thin. She's just plain rude, and I know it's from living with her father and it's not like her friends are the best examples either. Then again, I think she could have better friends as well, but that's my opinion, and I won't interfere with how she wants to live. They figured out she cuts finally, so I hope she gets better. She thinks she's so invincible, but she really isn't.

Anyway, I started driver's ed. With my sister and friend, and we all get to drive together in the class. I'm terrified xD I can't wait to know how to drive tho. I'm tired of bugging my mother. I know she hates it when I ask too.

You know, I hate how adults think that teens are just stupid. Really. No particular reason, just from watching how older members of society treat people my age and a bit younger. Even older. I mean, damn. I'm not stupid, I DO pay attention to the world around me and how it works. Really. =p

I have an interview tomorrow at 1'30 with Kohl's. And if I don't get a job there, I hope to work at Payless or Shopko. I need to get my resume done and try for Oki Doki again. I haven't been to the mall in a while. I should go. I need to get something anyway lol!

Monday I go to silverwood <3 I can't wait. I kinda hope it's overcast though. I don't want to worry about the sun... It sucks being so selfconscious about myself. I know that I could get hurt if I'm out too long, or very ill, and I don't want that to happen, but I don't want to be a burden on my friends either xD Because that would suck even more. Uh, well, last night I had a fight with my ex. The final one. I'm glad it's over now. I know I was a insensitive bastard and she had every right to dump me, but the way it happened was just... bleh. She was so irrational when she got mad. She hid so much from me. I never really knew her, and right now, I regret those three years. I would not have fought with her again.. but at the same time she was planning to hang out with me, she was writing a journal about how it was a good thing she was starting to hate me... It was like taking a knife and stabbing me in the back, then twisting it. Maybe it's karma, but at least I had always kept our problems private... I didn't put it up so anyone in the world with internet access could access it. I don't know, I'm done with it. There's more important things for me to worry about then how much of a bitch she's been about this entire ordeal. I'm sure I deserved it... but ugh. She makes me want to cut.

At the moment, I think Owl and I are also falling apart... It hurts right now. He's so distant and it worries me, but he insists nothing is wrong. I'm sure it's just hard for him--he works so long and stays online so late. His phone is slow so IMing me is a tiring process, and it's not always guaranteed that our messages actually sent. I'm hoping it doesn't fall apart, but I know that if it does, there's someone who wants me. Unfortunately, I think that if it does... I'm not going to jump right into another long-term relationship. I think I need a break from it all. I just need to remember what it's like to be single, I haven't been since I was in 8th grade. I just want to be free to go on dates for once. Meet new people. Live. I really just want to live.

I'm going to try and travel a little before I start school. If anything, I'll make it to see Syan and go to Youma con. In December, I'm planning on moving in with my friend Alex. He's awesome, so I can't wait. After he moves in, I'm going to start doing something I've wanted to do for a long time. So much. Maybe sooner if I talk with my mother.. I don't know. I'm so very afraid, and right now, she has so much more to worry about, I don't want to add my name to the list. I really don't, but I think she deserves to know.

Just a bit ago I got done with the longest form I've EVER filled out. For Shopko. It took me like.. an hour xD My hand is dead from clicking so much. I think I might try best buy as well. I don't know. I'm trying for places that are a walkable distance, that way I don't have to worry about being late if I miss my bus xP

I suppose I should sleep now. Huh, whoops, italics. xD Oh well <3

Good night ^___^

Fuck You World

Yeah, so the beginning of yesterday was fun. And then it was pretty good later, but y'know, I don't like hangin' around a bunch of drunks. I really don't. They all wanted me to drink too, but I didn't even finish an entire glass. I just got tellin' a friend online I wasn't gonna drink anymore and here I had a bunch of friends yellin' at me "Drink Drink Drink" and rawr. LOL I'm glad I didn't get smashed. They were drunk and high and just ew. I have it on video too. I doubt it has sound, but it's interesting.

If I liked loud things maybe I'd enjoy their yelling more, but I don't. And then the morning after was grand. Cuz y'know, everyone wants to hear the words "Cunt bitch" when they wake up! I don't swear much. I try not to, I really do, and I hate it when people use an excessive amount of them around me. Unless it's in the honor of Jay and Silent Bob. Then it's all good, or that person has something REAL good to be pissed off about. I dunno. She had right to be mad, but name calling never helps anything. I stayed hidden in my room all day. I didn't want to go out and subject myself to their hostility if something happened again. It gives me a headache and I'm already on the brink of tears from all the other shit in my life.

You know what pisses me off though? Well, not making me mad, but it IRRITATES THE FUCK OUTTA ME: when people assume that THEY are the cause of my problems. SERIOUSLY. The assumption causes me more stress than the reason you might have thought I was stressing over your drama and all! Agh. I'm here to help, really, but there are some things I can't help with. No matter how much I might want to, and I know that everyone needs someone to lean on, but I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO DO THAT WITH RIGHT NOW. Because if I did lean on the person I usually would, it would cause them more problems that would stress ME out because I stressed THEM out @__@ It's a bloody vicious cycle. I'm gonna die because of it one day, I'm sure.

However, maybe my stress will be relieved for a bit soon. My ex went on a trip, and when she gets back, she said she would take me out or something. I really need to get out with someone who won't get upset over anything with me. Well, I won't say anything, because we have had our shares of arguments, but it's usually not horribly bad. Maybe I'll slip into a movie with her or something xD we'll see. I kinda wanna see if she wouldn't mind going to Splash Down. I really wanna swim. Really bad, but I dunno if we could go out to Boulder Beach like I'd love to. I wanna check out the new water stuff there, but my mother isn't really a "going out" kinda person. So I don't go places often other than the mall. Kinda sucks. None of my family goes to stuff like that either, like my ex's.

I think I'm coming down with something, but then again it might be the stress. I hope I don't cause myself to get mono again. That would suck. Though I shouldn't, and they said if I did again I would have to get a bunch of tests done because something wasn't right. It would suck more than ANYTHING. I'd rather have the flu and be vomiting every 5 minutes than go through MONO again. Really.

Uhh... I'm working on art still. Not that there will be many reading this. xD I have a list of about 25 things to do art wise. I knocked 2 off today. 23 to go! Woo! Lol.

Still looking for commissions. Seriously. If you wander by this and like my art and would be interested--I'm cheap. xD *begs to the nearly empty area* *tumbleweed goes by* <3'

Just comment or somethin' <3 I think I'm gonna end here. I dunno what more to write. I'm all outta energy to be mad Lol!

Rawr <3

So! Here I am, taking a 'personal' day for once. Hangin' out with a friend I haven't seen in a little while and watchin' her play DDR :3 I've been playing too, but I needed a break xD I'm too outta shape.

I really wanna go on a trip though. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I mean, yeah. I know everyone has their drama. I have drama too, but I just don't want it all poured on me. I love helping my friends, and I feel bad right now that I wish some of them would just go away! I feel really selfish, but I just want to relax and not be stressed everynight. I feel like I could cry every moment of the day and it sucks. I want to be happy again. REALLY badly.

SO now I'm gonna whine about MY shit. I don't have a lot.

I need a job. It's a pain in the ass. I'd love commissions too, but that's not gonna happen much either xD LOL That's okay.

I dun wanna live in my house anymore. It's too cramped with my sister living with us now, even though I love her to death.

My other little sister is visiting right now, and you know, I don't condone cutting, but I can't make her stop. She could be doing worse--and she's not being STUPID about it. I tell her to please be careful, and I clean her wounds. It made me want to cry today, but I didn't do it, not in front of people. Soon she'll stop I hope, she's getting out of her home. She's going to go live with her birth mother and not with the man that they have to call 'father' who abuses them in far too many ways.

I dunno. I don't see her much. I didn't think it had gotten that bad. And what's even more sad was that she wanders around her dad's place without sleeves and these GAPING gashes in the side of her arm and NO ONE NOTICES. I would have noticed if I saw her everyday. I noticed as soon as I got around her again. Same with when she cut her hands up. I feel WRONG having to take pull out my first aid kit and bandage my LITTLE SISTER'S arm up. It seriously kills me.

Those are the cuts. WHO THE FUCK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULDN'T NOTICE THEM IN PLAIN VIEW?!?!?!?! *BREATHES*

And now, I dunno still. I'm tired mentally. I just want to go somewhere far away for a while and hang out with new people. New affections and all. It just feels really corrupted here. I love everyone here tho, no matter how stressed I might be over wanting to help them all and pushing my life under it all.

I'm sorry if this is too jumbled and roundabout and confusing to understand. I'm rambling, and I know it xD Oh well.

Anyway. I'm gonna go and try to stop stressing for a while. I just had to get some of it out. This here is a crappy journal xDDD

Love <3

New Hair

Yes. NEW HAIR. I am no longer so obviously FLAMING XD LOL

Now it is shorter, more girlie, adorable with a headband and black with hints of red :3 I love it. The dye job cost me 130 dollars (after tip and hair product) and the cut was free because my hairdresser lost her model for her hair cutting class that night, and I wanted and "A" line cut--and guess what the class was on? xD Though it was her specialty cut, so she didn't need the class. But woo, free haircut xD


Lots of pics xD <3 Enjoy, though I hate this last one >.>; I look like a dork xD BUT I do have that Red/Orange/Yellow headband, a Purple Shades one, and one that reminds me of Cotton Candy xD (Pink Blue and White!)

Alcohol! The Joys Of Life <3

Oh helllllllzzz xD LOL

I'm drunk. Well, not really. Close enough xD;

Again. >.>;

Kinda. It's hard to get me drunk. I'm a bit buzzed. I kinda want more. xD

Noooo I'm not an alcoholic :3 Mum let's me drink now and then. I'd be havin' coke and rum ifffff my sister hadn't drank it alllll ;____; well, the coke xD there's lots of rum. So instead we're drinking the vodka in orange juice. My sister is drunk. Sittin' here gigglin' and smoking while on the phone with her bf xD and here I am. Buzzed. Offa more than her. Figures.

Anyway, what fun. My turn to mix drinks xD Heheheh <3

Bai baii <3

Tetsu :3

U-re-shi-i <3

I'm giddy tonight <3 More than excited. And all over 3 very small words xD That really give me no solid reason for my giddiness, but I can't help it.

I was talking to my love, and I was telling him how my mum always said that I'd never get married or nothin' because I wouldn't be wanted, and while all he said that it was a lie, it just can't help--I dunno :3 Maybe it's the sugar? Maybe I'm sleep deprived. I'm just so... Girly I suppose~ When it really comes down to it. I've never been so in love, and I hope that it doesn't end. <3

I dunno what more to say. xD I'm kinda tired. Gotta get up early and let a friend in tomorrow.

<3 Loves :3

*dance*

So! Tired of the old blog.

New one!!

I dunno what to talk about

>.>

....

Oh well! Uhm, todaaaayyyy I slept. A lot. So Who knows when I'll fall asleep. BUT yesterday I went shopping with my ex, and it was fun. I got more stationary xD I love stationary >.> Especially cute ones from Japaaaannn.

*nothinting--really* Uhmmm >.> Oh, I got two plushies too. Froggies xD I love them. They're from a Japanese thing toooo <3>.>; I got lots of things.

There are only a handful of movies that can make me cry.

1. Grave of the Fireflies
2. Letters From Iwo Jima
3. Boys Don't Cry

And I think that's it >.>; Yeah. Well, when I was younger the Titanic did xD I was all "LEEEEOOO my love ;____;' *cough*

ANYWAY <3

I dunno what more xD LOL I'll work on more art. Send out the rest of my letters too. Had to buy stamps--damn they're expensive xD

<3 <3

Love!

Tetsu

My Nightmare

I'm still shaking, and I wish I could actually say what caused my trembling is really a nightmare. It's not though, and I know, even if I don't want to believe that it could have happened.

Just the other night, I was hanging around with a friend and they were getting rather friendly--not too out of the ordinary, but I pulled away a few times. I was edgy and nervous by the end of the night, but they settled down and we eventually went to bed. I was half asleep, exhausted already from the heat and just being awake for so long, but I was soon stirred when a body pressed behind me. My friend's hands wrapped around me and a felt a leg over mine. I murmured out an incoherent "no" but I don't believe they heard me. I didn't dare be louder and wake my family up, because that wasn't something I wanted them to see, and I really didn't want to involve the authorities. They screwed my life up 5 years ago over a similar matter, I don't want it to repeat.

Anyway, I struggled and pushed against them, trying to get them off, but eventually I was sat on, a leg pressed down against my inner thigh and I couldn't close my legs. I started to panic and struggled more and tried so hard to get the words out. Even with all of my clawing they didn't stop, and soon I was crying, pinned and helpless--and I felt like someone was holding my voice captive. I thought they heard me say 'no' finally, because they paused, but it still didn't end.

They finally noticed when they were done that I was crying and shaking my head, my nails still clutching at their arm and they'd just pulled back from a kiss. I think the fact I wasn't returning the kiss made them alert of my defiance, and I still wish I could have voiced my pleas louder, or even at all. I dunno. I'm sore, my back hurts and my wrists ache from ramming my hands against their chest and leg, trying to move them off. A part of me can't believe they didn't realize I was fighting them and that I was telling them no--shaking my head and crying.

I'm still shaking now, and my nails rake against the keyboard now and then as I sit here, even though I've talked to lots of people now and gotten lots of support. I was so scared, and I dunno, I try to tell myself that it's fine, but I really dunno if it is.

*shrugs* I told them it was okay, if it was an accident--because they didn't know I didn't want it? They assumed I wanted it, I liked what was happening? Thinking about it makes my head hurt, so I won't think too hard. If it ends a friendship, then it sucks, because I am running low on friends, but can I really trust it might not happen again? Even if they say that it won't unless I beg for it, I just.. dunno. My trust was crushed, and yeah. Uhn, I lost the urge to talk about it much more. I'm just glad it's over and I'm getting better. It is hard to not cry, but I don't anymore. I don't want to cry over it anymore--because I feel weak enough as it is.

Anyway, other news ::

My sisters ran away, but now they're back. I have the oldest girl with me here and the youngest is heading home. Willingly. I dunno, they're dorks. Their father is a dumbass who doesn't know how to control himself and yah xD; oh well <3 They're safe and that's what matters.

<3 Loves,

Tetsu.

;____;

Ugh, today kinda sucks. I'm enjoying rping with my love, but yeah, other that that, it's been kinda crappy. I wanna cry and really I don't know why. I feel sick and I dunno if it's because of the sun or not anymore. Maybe it's a mix of stress and the sun. Who knows. I have a headache and I'm frustrated with myself for being such a big baby.

I'm even more frustrated with how i feel hurt that shortly after I ask if a person feels like rping and they tell me no, that they're soon rping with a different friend. I dunno, I guess it's really a pet peev of mine. It kinda hurts, because y'know, I wonder if what I'm currently rping with them sucks or something, or if I'm just not fun enough to play with. I guess that goes with my paranoia of being annoying and disliked. What can I say? I'm Cancer--fear of rejection is a biggie for me. I can't help it.

I dunno, I guess I wish someone would tell me that I'm just paranoid and I need to relax, other htan the people who I know would say that no matter what. I need a stranger--or someone i just don't know very well to say it I guess. People I don't chat with frequently. Maybe a reply to my journals asking about advice--before I go insane.

Maybe I'm just emotionally unstable at the moment because I've had a lot of stress lately. Just the past couple of days have been hell. But oh well. I dunno what to do, and this journal won't get much response since only one person reads it lol! Oh well to that too (<3 you Syan)

I dunno what more to say. I'm pissy, depressed and sick. Not a good combo. Egh. I should be sleeping, but that'd be smart lol. I'm kinda hoping I can stay up until Syan comes on. I want someone else to hand out with xD even if she might be rping more Javey smut. She's some of my best middle of the night company <3

Smother Me

So, Happy late forth of July! I went and saw the fireworks with friends. It was lots of fun~ I got tons of shots, so we'll see if they're worth posting xD

I managed to spend 100 dollars today. And I didn't really get that much xD Damn it lol. I got two toy snakes and a dragon, a glowy headband and a neon green princess headband <3 I got an airbrushed tattoo as well, so perhaps I will take a picture of it soon. I got food too and drinks, plus a tattoo for my best friend, Lauren. So we could match~ Hers is red and black and mine is blue and black *nod*

I have a new fave love song--other than Kiss from a Rose, I like the song Smother Me from the Used <3 It's cute. And it inspires me. I'll post the pic above--that's what I sketched! I'll post it later when I finish it too--it will be done in watercolours.

Much love to everyone! I'm feeling rather giddy and my sister stole my bed, so I dunno when I'll get around to kicking her off of it. Soon I'm sure. My computer needs a rest xD it was hot today and it's been running the entire time. I suppose I'll go without music tonight.

G'night you all! <3

Jaaavvveeey <3

Hiya <3

So, along with a friend of mine, I decided to just take my rants and rambles here. Because I don't want to flood people's inboxes with my pathetic whining about not getting enough attention, which I'm sure I'll do soon. Now maybe lol.

I feel kinda.. lonely right now. I don't know why. I guess it's because no one is online currently and it's 5 am. I haven't slept yet so I'm a bit moody. But I'm not really tired enough to sleep, and I dunno why. Well, I guess I do, but I only slept so late because I had heartburn.

I'm pretty excited for this summer and fall. I get to meet 2 friends from the net. I can't wait <3 because I dunno. I love meeting people I chat with online face to face. Granted, the one person I'd love to meet face to face is my boyfriend, but it's really all up to him when that happens. It weighs me down a lot though, not knowing him on a more personal level, though I love him so much so I trust him. I know a lot of people who think I'm stupid for that, but I dunno. I suppose I just trust the word of people who know him too, some even know him from school lol so who would I be to question that? xD But really, I want to <3 Though I have a fear of rejection when we meet--that for some reason it just won't work, but I try not to think about that.

Plans for this summmerrr/Falllll:

1. Driver's License
2. Job
3. Meet Syan <3
4. Attend a wedding/babyshower/etc of a best friend
5. Meet mah lover maybe LOL I really don't think that will happen this summer, but I can dream <3
6. Go to Youmacon with another friend I get to meet for the first time <3 She's awesome because she's giving me a room if I give her arts <3
7. Get people to commission me ;___; It makes me sad. So many watchers on my galleries, but no one can take the time out of their day to suggest a price for a commission or tell me why they wouldn't get my art? Sometimes I just feel shunned ;___; (well, okay <3 Syan loved me and gave me a suggestion on price, but no one else ;___; not even the people I thought would comment.)

Those aren't in a particular order. Just there lol. Anyway. I guess I could explain my random title. I've recently gotten a few new obsessions/fandoms.

1. FMA
2.Inu-Yasha
3. Ranma 1/2
4. ... I really should just say "anything Rumiko Takahashi"
5. Ninja Warrior
6. JAVEY <3 (Davey and Jade yaoiness of AFI <3 Blame it on Syannn)
7. Miyavi

And I guess that's really it. I'm currently out of things to talk about. I'm bored, lonely and depressed. I should sleep since I have plans for tonight. And soon the sun will be right in my room and I won't be able to sleep xD so yesh. No good.

G'night. Maybe I'll post something worth reading later. <3

Luv

Tetsu <3