My Nightmare

I'm still shaking, and I wish I could actually say what caused my trembling is really a nightmare. It's not though, and I know, even if I don't want to believe that it could have happened.

Just the other night, I was hanging around with a friend and they were getting rather friendly--not too out of the ordinary, but I pulled away a few times. I was edgy and nervous by the end of the night, but they settled down and we eventually went to bed. I was half asleep, exhausted already from the heat and just being awake for so long, but I was soon stirred when a body pressed behind me. My friend's hands wrapped around me and a felt a leg over mine. I murmured out an incoherent "no" but I don't believe they heard me. I didn't dare be louder and wake my family up, because that wasn't something I wanted them to see, and I really didn't want to involve the authorities. They screwed my life up 5 years ago over a similar matter, I don't want it to repeat.

Anyway, I struggled and pushed against them, trying to get them off, but eventually I was sat on, a leg pressed down against my inner thigh and I couldn't close my legs. I started to panic and struggled more and tried so hard to get the words out. Even with all of my clawing they didn't stop, and soon I was crying, pinned and helpless--and I felt like someone was holding my voice captive. I thought they heard me say 'no' finally, because they paused, but it still didn't end.

They finally noticed when they were done that I was crying and shaking my head, my nails still clutching at their arm and they'd just pulled back from a kiss. I think the fact I wasn't returning the kiss made them alert of my defiance, and I still wish I could have voiced my pleas louder, or even at all. I dunno. I'm sore, my back hurts and my wrists ache from ramming my hands against their chest and leg, trying to move them off. A part of me can't believe they didn't realize I was fighting them and that I was telling them no--shaking my head and crying.

I'm still shaking now, and my nails rake against the keyboard now and then as I sit here, even though I've talked to lots of people now and gotten lots of support. I was so scared, and I dunno, I try to tell myself that it's fine, but I really dunno if it is.

*shrugs* I told them it was okay, if it was an accident--because they didn't know I didn't want it? They assumed I wanted it, I liked what was happening? Thinking about it makes my head hurt, so I won't think too hard. If it ends a friendship, then it sucks, because I am running low on friends, but can I really trust it might not happen again? Even if they say that it won't unless I beg for it, I just.. dunno. My trust was crushed, and yeah. Uhn, I lost the urge to talk about it much more. I'm just glad it's over and I'm getting better. It is hard to not cry, but I don't anymore. I don't want to cry over it anymore--because I feel weak enough as it is.

Anyway, other news ::

My sisters ran away, but now they're back. I have the oldest girl with me here and the youngest is heading home. Willingly. I dunno, they're dorks. Their father is a dumbass who doesn't know how to control himself and yah xD; oh well <3 They're safe and that's what matters.

<3 Loves,

Tetsu.