You know what's more than sad? When you get a bit sad because your ex has cut you out of every picture--memory--online, but still dare to say anything online to you. I dunno why it's bugging me really. Yay, great, she's all better now that I'm gone. Yay, she's actually getting into GUYS now that I'M gone. Because you know. I Dunnno. Jezus. I'm tired. I'm too emotional for my own good. I guess I'm just frustrated that even though she said she couldn't let me go no matter how she tried, as soon as I confronted her about things she said behind my back it was like she just magically knew how to *grunts* I still.. Have pictures of her. I have things from prom. I have a couple of pics I liked of her here or there. I hate myself right now for not just trashing them. I should have, but I can't. I'm so upset right now, I'm trembling, and I hate it. Why can't I just be cold and heartless? I'd love to be right now. But then, you know.. I wouldn't be in love. And I am. And I will never love someone so much I think. He's my everything and that's all I need. Even if it's via IM so far. That's 3 years off and on of love that never died or really faltered.
There are so many things I wish had gone different. I wish I'd been loyal to her in the beginning--but I wasn't. I was stupid and young and I wasn't. I guess it could make me a horrible horrible person. I never said I was perfect, but I'm not like that anymore. I've chosen. I'm HAPPY with my choice, and that should be what matters--but dammit. I'm a cancer. I naturally DWELL ON THE PAST. God damn, I'm horrible about it. I bet if I went to a shrink and told them things I dwell on from the past, they'd say I was a bit OCD. I can't not dwell on it. I TRY SO HARD not to. So very hard, but it's there. Nagging and nagging and nagging until I've gone mad. Sometimes I cry. Depends. Sometimes I dwell on something I forgot to give back to a friend over 5 years ago. Sometimes I dwell on something I did I shouldn't have--or something that upset me--or how pathetically easily upset I get!
Sometimes.. I wonder if I would have been better off if I had never gone to the police back then. Maybe then my sisters would have had better lives. I don't know. I think.. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't though. I think I'd be dead. Because I wouldn't have lasted more than 7 years in that. Not with him. Not letting him touch me. I couldn't. Even if he said he was going to stop--I was scared. But I only made things worse--my mother hated me, the police said I was lying for attention. Well FUCK YOU. So what if my mom didn't get to spend much time with me. She still doesn't. I have jealousy problems when it comes to it--sure. I get depressed when my mom treats me different than my sisters, but I would never LIE to get my way. Fuck. Not about something like that. I don't know why mom stayed with him though. I really don't. While with her, he made TWO CHILDREN WITH OTHER WOMEN. She didn't do shit. He grew and sold drugs from home. I knew. I watched. I saw it all. At night.. He'd come home. Drunk. Or High. Something. He'd come in my room before anywhere else. And I just remember waking at night, and I can see the hall light... and he's there over me and he's got a hand down my pants. And it's all I can do to hope he'd done soon and I close my eyes and wait, pretend I'm still asleep. Hope he didn't notice. Don't make noise.. in fear of being hit. Don't make noise, because he's told me not to. It's our secret. I don't want that secret. I'm so tired of that secret. I wish I hadn't grown up so naive. I didn't start to object.. not until I was in 7th grade. It took me 6 years to realize that was wrong. Because I was so sheltered by petty religion.
Wow. I hate how my brain works. I should stop this. I went from ex to being molested. LOL Sad. I guess I got there some logical way in my brain. Who knows.
Anyway. Onto other news. I am plastering my walls with art. I'm happy. It's great <3 Two walls so far. Half way done <3 Then I might do my ceiling as well. Who knows. And man. I need a new incense bottle. Mine's being a butt and dying on me. Dammit all. That's okay. I want the 10 dollar ones anyway. maybe. Might go 20. *shrug* Depends on what I find.
I'm bummed. Turns out the shop I want to work at might be moving to a different state because traffic here just isn't enough. That makes me so sad. I loved shopping there. If she leaves, I'll have to buy all my Japanese goodies online ;___; expensive shipping! Noo! I'm even more bummed because that was my best chance at work ;__; now I guess I'll have to go to fast food. Ew xD Owl might like Taco Bell, but food outside of home isn't that great for me xD haha Even restraunts. If someone knows how to cook, I love home cooked meals <3 Just something nice about them. I guess because I don't get them often.
Hmmm So, I dunno. I'm kinda tired. It's 7 am ish. I haven't slept. I guess I should. I'll finish my walls later when I wake LOL <3 Hopefully I don't give my self nightmares with my dwellings. That would suck.. I don't have anyone right here to turn to. Not a single person right here. Makes me utterly sad. *sigh* Gah. No more thinking. I'm done thinking. I'm gonna go be a lifeless doll for a few hours or something.
G'night to the like... invisible people who read this xD *kisses to all who really do*
<3>
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