You know, you never realize what you take for granted in life. I never think about the fact that I have great grandparents. It's not that common once you become an adult. I mean, really, I'm the 4th generation in my family--we're all alive but their sons who died prematurely of illness. If I don't have a child in my lifetime, then I'm the end of the line--I hope that I bring a child to this world <3 It'd be grand.
You might think this is really random, but it's 4 am and I just got done talking with my great grandfather, Papa. Heh, it was nice. I don't do it often, and I really should, I just never know what to talk about. He has a bad habit of talking about the same things over and over again xD I know his war stories, I know his history and about his friends who recently started to make something of themselves. He's in his 80's but you know what? He's still the coolest guy I know xD I love him and I don't think I really convey that to him enough anymore. I miss when I was younger and we used to wrestle, or I was a 'fox' and tried to get him. I mean, it was fun. I miss being able to go out and play in the sun without worrying about my health. I miss the BBQs we had every year. When grandpa would cook and we'd all sit out there in the shade and we'd swim. Before my family fell apart. Before everyone started to drop like flies.
Anyway, you know what started my conversation with him? He was telling me about a man--a country singer--who he thought was the most amazing guitarist he'd ever heard. So I wanted to show him who I amazed me, Miyavi, and we talked about the style for a while, influence...then the question I seem to get so often now--why did I stop singing? I'm going to record him a tape or something. Maybe I'll find a way to record a cd and give it to him soon. Him and Mama, because then they can hear me whenever they want. These are the two people I just.. don't want to ever go away forever. They've always seemed immortal to me, but here my Mama is.. lying in bed with a bag for a bladder because hers got cancer and they had to remove it. And now something else is wrong.. and I don't think I'll have her much longer. I wanted them to see me married and stuff, you know? They were so proud of me, they always have been and they will be all the way to their deathbed and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll manage to live a bit longer.. and maybe things will work out you know? I kinda almost want to set up a pretend wedding, just for my Papa. He always bragged about living to see it, but now.. he seems so doubtful. I'm afraid of being left without them. I don't know how I'll take it. When my grandfather died, I fell ill... I couldn't sleep or eat. I was in shock, and I'm still.. hurting so much from it. I fear the day I lose the two most important people to me. The two people that never thought any different of me when anything went wrong. Even when the police said I'd lied about being molested because I was schizophrenic, they never brought it up with me. They never questioned me about it, they still believed me, they were all I had until I managed to talk my mother into letting me see my friends again. And even then... I had to see my friends while with other friends xP It was hell.
Ugh, yeah.... I don't want to lose them. I'm gonna need someone close when it happens, or I'm not gonna make it. I don't trust my mother for that support. When I was just 14/15 and my grandfather was dying from a slow, painful disease, she told me to buck up. She told me I couldn't cry. I started crying once when we went to see him, and she dragged me out and yelled at me. Told me he was getting better when we all knew he wasn't. He had gone blind... and he was going deaf. Then he finally just couldn't function. It took months. Then my mother got mad that I wasn't doing well in school when he died. And after. She didn't understand why I didn't want to do anything anymore. I dunno. I'm still bitter about a lot of things my mother did. I mean yeah, she's been a good mother and she's made sure I had what I needed for the most part but I was always yelled at for having depression, she didn't believe in it, she didn't understand. Now... I don't cut like I used to, and my sister does for attention, and guess who's getting the attention from it she's after? Now she believes that kids get depression. But she stopped getting my meds and I dunno. I'm kinda. yeah. I'm pissed off about a lot of ways my mother treated me through my teens. I never did anything wrong, but it seemed like she thought so. She and I still don't talk much.
I'm done talking about that. I don't want to anymore. I just get mad and then feel like crap because I remember how unwanted I was to my mother. How she thought that I was just a waste of time.
Anyway... I'm gonna try to spend more time with them. Who knows how much time I've got left. I uh... I dunno xD; It was just nice.. I'm just terrified. I'm not ready to lose them haha. Even after 18 years, it feels too soon. The rest of my family is too busy for me, they never are... they sit here and wait for my next visit. For now, I'm going to draw. And then when I get home, I'm going to paint something for them. They need something new of mine on their walls. I need to be unlazy and just do it. <3 I don't think I'm going to sleep well tonight... Kinda sucks. Oh well. I'll sleep through the night well after I do laundry for Mama later. I just have to remember to get up and ready for homecoming. Oh man. My sister gets up soon xD hahah. Damn. Oh well.
Night people <3 I'll have new art soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment