Fuck You World

Yeah, so the beginning of yesterday was fun. And then it was pretty good later, but y'know, I don't like hangin' around a bunch of drunks. I really don't. They all wanted me to drink too, but I didn't even finish an entire glass. I just got tellin' a friend online I wasn't gonna drink anymore and here I had a bunch of friends yellin' at me "Drink Drink Drink" and rawr. LOL I'm glad I didn't get smashed. They were drunk and high and just ew. I have it on video too. I doubt it has sound, but it's interesting.

If I liked loud things maybe I'd enjoy their yelling more, but I don't. And then the morning after was grand. Cuz y'know, everyone wants to hear the words "Cunt bitch" when they wake up! I don't swear much. I try not to, I really do, and I hate it when people use an excessive amount of them around me. Unless it's in the honor of Jay and Silent Bob. Then it's all good, or that person has something REAL good to be pissed off about. I dunno. She had right to be mad, but name calling never helps anything. I stayed hidden in my room all day. I didn't want to go out and subject myself to their hostility if something happened again. It gives me a headache and I'm already on the brink of tears from all the other shit in my life.

You know what pisses me off though? Well, not making me mad, but it IRRITATES THE FUCK OUTTA ME: when people assume that THEY are the cause of my problems. SERIOUSLY. The assumption causes me more stress than the reason you might have thought I was stressing over your drama and all! Agh. I'm here to help, really, but there are some things I can't help with. No matter how much I might want to, and I know that everyone needs someone to lean on, but I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO DO THAT WITH RIGHT NOW. Because if I did lean on the person I usually would, it would cause them more problems that would stress ME out because I stressed THEM out @__@ It's a bloody vicious cycle. I'm gonna die because of it one day, I'm sure.

However, maybe my stress will be relieved for a bit soon. My ex went on a trip, and when she gets back, she said she would take me out or something. I really need to get out with someone who won't get upset over anything with me. Well, I won't say anything, because we have had our shares of arguments, but it's usually not horribly bad. Maybe I'll slip into a movie with her or something xD we'll see. I kinda wanna see if she wouldn't mind going to Splash Down. I really wanna swim. Really bad, but I dunno if we could go out to Boulder Beach like I'd love to. I wanna check out the new water stuff there, but my mother isn't really a "going out" kinda person. So I don't go places often other than the mall. Kinda sucks. None of my family goes to stuff like that either, like my ex's.

I think I'm coming down with something, but then again it might be the stress. I hope I don't cause myself to get mono again. That would suck. Though I shouldn't, and they said if I did again I would have to get a bunch of tests done because something wasn't right. It would suck more than ANYTHING. I'd rather have the flu and be vomiting every 5 minutes than go through MONO again. Really.

Uhh... I'm working on art still. Not that there will be many reading this. xD I have a list of about 25 things to do art wise. I knocked 2 off today. 23 to go! Woo! Lol.

Still looking for commissions. Seriously. If you wander by this and like my art and would be interested--I'm cheap. xD *begs to the nearly empty area* *tumbleweed goes by* <3'

Just comment or somethin' <3 I think I'm gonna end here. I dunno what more to write. I'm all outta energy to be mad Lol!

Rawr <3

So! Here I am, taking a 'personal' day for once. Hangin' out with a friend I haven't seen in a little while and watchin' her play DDR :3 I've been playing too, but I needed a break xD I'm too outta shape.

I really wanna go on a trip though. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I mean, yeah. I know everyone has their drama. I have drama too, but I just don't want it all poured on me. I love helping my friends, and I feel bad right now that I wish some of them would just go away! I feel really selfish, but I just want to relax and not be stressed everynight. I feel like I could cry every moment of the day and it sucks. I want to be happy again. REALLY badly.

SO now I'm gonna whine about MY shit. I don't have a lot.

I need a job. It's a pain in the ass. I'd love commissions too, but that's not gonna happen much either xD LOL That's okay.

I dun wanna live in my house anymore. It's too cramped with my sister living with us now, even though I love her to death.

My other little sister is visiting right now, and you know, I don't condone cutting, but I can't make her stop. She could be doing worse--and she's not being STUPID about it. I tell her to please be careful, and I clean her wounds. It made me want to cry today, but I didn't do it, not in front of people. Soon she'll stop I hope, she's getting out of her home. She's going to go live with her birth mother and not with the man that they have to call 'father' who abuses them in far too many ways.

I dunno. I don't see her much. I didn't think it had gotten that bad. And what's even more sad was that she wanders around her dad's place without sleeves and these GAPING gashes in the side of her arm and NO ONE NOTICES. I would have noticed if I saw her everyday. I noticed as soon as I got around her again. Same with when she cut her hands up. I feel WRONG having to take pull out my first aid kit and bandage my LITTLE SISTER'S arm up. It seriously kills me.

Those are the cuts. WHO THE FUCK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULDN'T NOTICE THEM IN PLAIN VIEW?!?!?!?! *BREATHES*

And now, I dunno still. I'm tired mentally. I just want to go somewhere far away for a while and hang out with new people. New affections and all. It just feels really corrupted here. I love everyone here tho, no matter how stressed I might be over wanting to help them all and pushing my life under it all.

I'm sorry if this is too jumbled and roundabout and confusing to understand. I'm rambling, and I know it xD Oh well.

Anyway. I'm gonna go and try to stop stressing for a while. I just had to get some of it out. This here is a crappy journal xDDD

Love <3

New Hair

Yes. NEW HAIR. I am no longer so obviously FLAMING XD LOL

Now it is shorter, more girlie, adorable with a headband and black with hints of red :3 I love it. The dye job cost me 130 dollars (after tip and hair product) and the cut was free because my hairdresser lost her model for her hair cutting class that night, and I wanted and "A" line cut--and guess what the class was on? xD Though it was her specialty cut, so she didn't need the class. But woo, free haircut xD


Lots of pics xD <3 Enjoy, though I hate this last one >.>; I look like a dork xD BUT I do have that Red/Orange/Yellow headband, a Purple Shades one, and one that reminds me of Cotton Candy xD (Pink Blue and White!)

Alcohol! The Joys Of Life <3

Oh helllllllzzz xD LOL

I'm drunk. Well, not really. Close enough xD;

Again. >.>;

Kinda. It's hard to get me drunk. I'm a bit buzzed. I kinda want more. xD

Noooo I'm not an alcoholic :3 Mum let's me drink now and then. I'd be havin' coke and rum ifffff my sister hadn't drank it alllll ;____; well, the coke xD there's lots of rum. So instead we're drinking the vodka in orange juice. My sister is drunk. Sittin' here gigglin' and smoking while on the phone with her bf xD and here I am. Buzzed. Offa more than her. Figures.

Anyway, what fun. My turn to mix drinks xD Heheheh <3

Bai baii <3

Tetsu :3

U-re-shi-i <3

I'm giddy tonight <3 More than excited. And all over 3 very small words xD That really give me no solid reason for my giddiness, but I can't help it.

I was talking to my love, and I was telling him how my mum always said that I'd never get married or nothin' because I wouldn't be wanted, and while all he said that it was a lie, it just can't help--I dunno :3 Maybe it's the sugar? Maybe I'm sleep deprived. I'm just so... Girly I suppose~ When it really comes down to it. I've never been so in love, and I hope that it doesn't end. <3

I dunno what more to say. xD I'm kinda tired. Gotta get up early and let a friend in tomorrow.

<3 Loves :3

*dance*

So! Tired of the old blog.

New one!!

I dunno what to talk about

>.>

....

Oh well! Uhm, todaaaayyyy I slept. A lot. So Who knows when I'll fall asleep. BUT yesterday I went shopping with my ex, and it was fun. I got more stationary xD I love stationary >.> Especially cute ones from Japaaaannn.

*nothinting--really* Uhmmm >.> Oh, I got two plushies too. Froggies xD I love them. They're from a Japanese thing toooo <3>.>; I got lots of things.

There are only a handful of movies that can make me cry.

1. Grave of the Fireflies
2. Letters From Iwo Jima
3. Boys Don't Cry

And I think that's it >.>; Yeah. Well, when I was younger the Titanic did xD I was all "LEEEEOOO my love ;____;' *cough*

ANYWAY <3

I dunno what more xD LOL I'll work on more art. Send out the rest of my letters too. Had to buy stamps--damn they're expensive xD

<3 <3

Love!

Tetsu

My Nightmare

I'm still shaking, and I wish I could actually say what caused my trembling is really a nightmare. It's not though, and I know, even if I don't want to believe that it could have happened.

Just the other night, I was hanging around with a friend and they were getting rather friendly--not too out of the ordinary, but I pulled away a few times. I was edgy and nervous by the end of the night, but they settled down and we eventually went to bed. I was half asleep, exhausted already from the heat and just being awake for so long, but I was soon stirred when a body pressed behind me. My friend's hands wrapped around me and a felt a leg over mine. I murmured out an incoherent "no" but I don't believe they heard me. I didn't dare be louder and wake my family up, because that wasn't something I wanted them to see, and I really didn't want to involve the authorities. They screwed my life up 5 years ago over a similar matter, I don't want it to repeat.

Anyway, I struggled and pushed against them, trying to get them off, but eventually I was sat on, a leg pressed down against my inner thigh and I couldn't close my legs. I started to panic and struggled more and tried so hard to get the words out. Even with all of my clawing they didn't stop, and soon I was crying, pinned and helpless--and I felt like someone was holding my voice captive. I thought they heard me say 'no' finally, because they paused, but it still didn't end.

They finally noticed when they were done that I was crying and shaking my head, my nails still clutching at their arm and they'd just pulled back from a kiss. I think the fact I wasn't returning the kiss made them alert of my defiance, and I still wish I could have voiced my pleas louder, or even at all. I dunno. I'm sore, my back hurts and my wrists ache from ramming my hands against their chest and leg, trying to move them off. A part of me can't believe they didn't realize I was fighting them and that I was telling them no--shaking my head and crying.

I'm still shaking now, and my nails rake against the keyboard now and then as I sit here, even though I've talked to lots of people now and gotten lots of support. I was so scared, and I dunno, I try to tell myself that it's fine, but I really dunno if it is.

*shrugs* I told them it was okay, if it was an accident--because they didn't know I didn't want it? They assumed I wanted it, I liked what was happening? Thinking about it makes my head hurt, so I won't think too hard. If it ends a friendship, then it sucks, because I am running low on friends, but can I really trust it might not happen again? Even if they say that it won't unless I beg for it, I just.. dunno. My trust was crushed, and yeah. Uhn, I lost the urge to talk about it much more. I'm just glad it's over and I'm getting better. It is hard to not cry, but I don't anymore. I don't want to cry over it anymore--because I feel weak enough as it is.

Anyway, other news ::

My sisters ran away, but now they're back. I have the oldest girl with me here and the youngest is heading home. Willingly. I dunno, they're dorks. Their father is a dumbass who doesn't know how to control himself and yah xD; oh well <3 They're safe and that's what matters.

<3 Loves,

Tetsu.

;____;

Ugh, today kinda sucks. I'm enjoying rping with my love, but yeah, other that that, it's been kinda crappy. I wanna cry and really I don't know why. I feel sick and I dunno if it's because of the sun or not anymore. Maybe it's a mix of stress and the sun. Who knows. I have a headache and I'm frustrated with myself for being such a big baby.

I'm even more frustrated with how i feel hurt that shortly after I ask if a person feels like rping and they tell me no, that they're soon rping with a different friend. I dunno, I guess it's really a pet peev of mine. It kinda hurts, because y'know, I wonder if what I'm currently rping with them sucks or something, or if I'm just not fun enough to play with. I guess that goes with my paranoia of being annoying and disliked. What can I say? I'm Cancer--fear of rejection is a biggie for me. I can't help it.

I dunno, I guess I wish someone would tell me that I'm just paranoid and I need to relax, other htan the people who I know would say that no matter what. I need a stranger--or someone i just don't know very well to say it I guess. People I don't chat with frequently. Maybe a reply to my journals asking about advice--before I go insane.

Maybe I'm just emotionally unstable at the moment because I've had a lot of stress lately. Just the past couple of days have been hell. But oh well. I dunno what to do, and this journal won't get much response since only one person reads it lol! Oh well to that too (<3 you Syan)

I dunno what more to say. I'm pissy, depressed and sick. Not a good combo. Egh. I should be sleeping, but that'd be smart lol. I'm kinda hoping I can stay up until Syan comes on. I want someone else to hand out with xD even if she might be rping more Javey smut. She's some of my best middle of the night company <3

Smother Me

So, Happy late forth of July! I went and saw the fireworks with friends. It was lots of fun~ I got tons of shots, so we'll see if they're worth posting xD

I managed to spend 100 dollars today. And I didn't really get that much xD Damn it lol. I got two toy snakes and a dragon, a glowy headband and a neon green princess headband <3 I got an airbrushed tattoo as well, so perhaps I will take a picture of it soon. I got food too and drinks, plus a tattoo for my best friend, Lauren. So we could match~ Hers is red and black and mine is blue and black *nod*

I have a new fave love song--other than Kiss from a Rose, I like the song Smother Me from the Used <3 It's cute. And it inspires me. I'll post the pic above--that's what I sketched! I'll post it later when I finish it too--it will be done in watercolours.

Much love to everyone! I'm feeling rather giddy and my sister stole my bed, so I dunno when I'll get around to kicking her off of it. Soon I'm sure. My computer needs a rest xD it was hot today and it's been running the entire time. I suppose I'll go without music tonight.

G'night you all! <3

Jaaavvveeey <3

Hiya <3

So, along with a friend of mine, I decided to just take my rants and rambles here. Because I don't want to flood people's inboxes with my pathetic whining about not getting enough attention, which I'm sure I'll do soon. Now maybe lol.

I feel kinda.. lonely right now. I don't know why. I guess it's because no one is online currently and it's 5 am. I haven't slept yet so I'm a bit moody. But I'm not really tired enough to sleep, and I dunno why. Well, I guess I do, but I only slept so late because I had heartburn.

I'm pretty excited for this summer and fall. I get to meet 2 friends from the net. I can't wait <3 because I dunno. I love meeting people I chat with online face to face. Granted, the one person I'd love to meet face to face is my boyfriend, but it's really all up to him when that happens. It weighs me down a lot though, not knowing him on a more personal level, though I love him so much so I trust him. I know a lot of people who think I'm stupid for that, but I dunno. I suppose I just trust the word of people who know him too, some even know him from school lol so who would I be to question that? xD But really, I want to <3 Though I have a fear of rejection when we meet--that for some reason it just won't work, but I try not to think about that.

Plans for this summmerrr/Falllll:

1. Driver's License
2. Job
3. Meet Syan <3
4. Attend a wedding/babyshower/etc of a best friend
5. Meet mah lover maybe LOL I really don't think that will happen this summer, but I can dream <3
6. Go to Youmacon with another friend I get to meet for the first time <3 She's awesome because she's giving me a room if I give her arts <3
7. Get people to commission me ;___; It makes me sad. So many watchers on my galleries, but no one can take the time out of their day to suggest a price for a commission or tell me why they wouldn't get my art? Sometimes I just feel shunned ;___; (well, okay <3 Syan loved me and gave me a suggestion on price, but no one else ;___; not even the people I thought would comment.)

Those aren't in a particular order. Just there lol. Anyway. I guess I could explain my random title. I've recently gotten a few new obsessions/fandoms.

1. FMA
2.Inu-Yasha
3. Ranma 1/2
4. ... I really should just say "anything Rumiko Takahashi"
5. Ninja Warrior
6. JAVEY <3 (Davey and Jade yaoiness of AFI <3 Blame it on Syannn)
7. Miyavi

And I guess that's really it. I'm currently out of things to talk about. I'm bored, lonely and depressed. I should sleep since I have plans for tonight. And soon the sun will be right in my room and I won't be able to sleep xD so yesh. No good.

G'night. Maybe I'll post something worth reading later. <3

Luv

Tetsu <3