AGHWTFOMG *PULLSHAIR* *depressed* *cry*

Why is it that it's easier for my stoner, runaway minor sister to get a job than it is for me? ;__; I'm legal, never done a drug in my life, never ran away or done SHIT and I'm stuck without a job still. I've searched EVERYWHERE, and all she did was get a call from the lady who helped her get her GED and she got a job (mind you, she got the call while she was like, wasted. She couldn't pass a drug test for the life of her xP she was a runaway when she got the job--it's the only reason she came home).

Agh, I'm so stressed I'm getting sick. If one sister isn't causing trouble, it's the other. Or it's both at the same time. I can't take it anymore. I'm at the point where i just cry randomly. My sleeping patterns are so messed up, I'm sleeping in shifts. I eat maybe once a day and I play Guitar Hero to blow steam. Most of my friends here in town have moved away or they've gotten lives of their own (family, work, moved on, forgot about me). And even then, my so called best friend (who moved for good reason, I don't blame her) hardly talks to me again. Comes here the day she's moving, says goodbye and then our conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: Heya~ <3
Her: Hihi
Me: How're ya?
Her: eh
Me: sad, kinda the same.
(silence)
Me: What'cha up to?
Her: Not a lot.
(more silence and maybe idle chatter for a moment about something I bring up if I'm doing something, but other than that, nada.)

I dunno. I'm frustrated. I have TWO friends from high school that didn't turn around and stab me in the back. Not a single person I graduated with talks to me anymore, nor would they probably talk to me. People are so fake now days. It makes me cry so much--I feel like I've been toyed with for 4 years by them all. Ugh fuck. Whatever. It's over now. I just wish I didn't have to live here. I want to live somewhere I'll be HAPPY. I wanna be with the people who actually give a shit. And I'd drag the two I have left here with me.

Ugh. I'm gonna go. I dunno what more to say. I'm unhappy. Sorry if any 'emo' art comes up. I usually express it visually rather than physically. Though, I have something to look forward to! In one month I go to YoumaCon! So that'll be fun. I have enough for the ticket and once I make sure I'm heading for the right airport and how long they want me to stay there, I'm gonna make it all happen. I'm pretty stoked about that... maybe a getaway with new people will be good for me...

If you're going to YoumaCon, lemme know <3 I'll try to find you. I'll be dressing as Reno from FF7. I'll never do him justice xD; but hey, it'll be fun nonetheless.

<3 Bai bai.. it's 4'30 am.. I'm not tired yet but I'm getting a headache. I might linger a bit longer, I dunno.

*snort* Fuck

My sisters took off again. Yes, this has happened many times now. They go off, party come back, but sometimes they try to just run away. They're being dumb and stressing us all out. xP My sister (the oldest--but my younger sister still) has her phone off/it's dead so we have no way to contact them and she can't get in touch with us. The other sister (younger yet) is risking going to Juvie (which for those who don't know, it's like prison for minors kinda. More lax--it's a disciplinary for minors (under 18) who break (usually minor) laws.

The youngest sister (Juvie girl) is 15. She's troubled. I know it, everyone knows. She cuts, and I bandage her up, she goes and does drugs and we have to watch her go through withdrawals, and then she comes home after having sex with guys she can't even remember the names of and we have to get the tests done for STDs and pregnancy.

My other sister is 16. She does pot, but nothin' else, and I'm pretty sure she's starting to become a sex addict xP It's crazy here. I just want a break from this crap. It makes me cry. I want someone right here to curl up with, but I would never take anyone but Owl xP Well, I would cuddle with Syan or Wind or K-Chan or Charha or anyone who'd be a good friend of me and let me <3 But yeah. I think you all should understand what I mean.

I have a headache, and I'm tired and cranky and I wanna cry xP I don't like crying. Makes me feel like a baby, even if I was told it's good for me, I just feel like I cry too much. At least I'm not cutting again. I was going to the other day, but could you imagine the CATS would steal my devices? It figured xD; For the best. I'm sure.

I don't know what more to say for now. I was gonna say more about my sisters, but I'm just too exhausted. I want to sleep for a long time xP I'm too tired for all of this. I wish they would behave. *sigh*

Night loves <3

;_; Sick

Very much so. This sucks. It's 4 am and I just got done with my run to the bathroom to bow to my porcelain god. My head hurts, there's vomit stuck in my nose and I'm tired ;___; All this over breakfast dammit! That's what I get for eating cheese--but I wonder if it's food poisoning. because I've never been this sick over my lactose intolerance. And they have very similar symptoms. Almost exact actually xP

Mm but that pic makes me smiles, so it's all good, really *flop*

Ugh I dunno. I'm gonna try to sleep again. After one more run to the bathroom. Night <3 *dies*

Tako <3

Mm, I dunno what to say really. I'm trying to stay awake because I really wanna hang with my friend, but it's getting a little hard now that it's 2:30 am. I'm gonna go try for Oki Doki again, tho I have a chance at DEB, I don't really want it. My mom told me to just go for the one I would enjoy, and Yun is in need of a worker <3 so I'm hoping I can go Monday and take a shot at working there. I would love it so much. So very much. It's my dream job right now xD hahaha. Handling Japanese imports.

Hmn, anyway... I've been pretty depressed lately. I just can't seem to shake it. Part of it might be my worry for Owl. He hasn't been on in days--I think about a week now. I asked his best friend and she didn't say anything back to me.. So I don't know. I just want to know he's okay. xP Maybe he had somewhere to go.. and I just didn't get the message. His phone isn't that reliable. I hope he didn't lose net access again, but if he did, I suppose I'll be waiting patiently again <3 I don't mind.

I'm having fun with art lately. It's nice. I've been doing these pen doodles <3 They're kinda fun. I need to do commissions once people let me be here a bit and I get information on the rest of my commissions. I need to get together a couple gifts too. hahah, all my friends are fall children xP Their b-days are all in a row (some of them literally so xD Oct. 31 for two and Nov. 1 for another!).

I have this cute plush dog <3 I'm in love with it. He's green and purple and pink ^___^ I love him so much. I've named him Tako <3 *giggle* Good name for a strange little puppy :3

Uhhh other things I'm working on is the gaia shop with Rainiy. I'm gonna reopen soon with chibi art only <3 Because the other is for my real life commissions <3 I'm in need of real money, not Gaia gold xD haha I have plenty of that.

I'm at a loss of what more there could be to say. I think I'll doodle some more while I wait for her <3

Night Night <3

Blah

Man. First thing my mom did when she walked in was make me feel ugly ~o~; Seriously. She walked in and looked at what I was wearing and said "what is that?' Then told me to wear something under it. She didn't want to see my body xP so I went and got a sweater on, even though I was sitting right next to a heater. *sigh*

I was away for a week, but my mom invited my friends over without telling me, so now I'm stuck back at home. I was having a lot more fun at my great grandmothers. It was nice. I hope i get the job, for then I'll have to stay there everyday I have work.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Kinda lonely online xD Everyone else is busy, asleep or I don't even know where xP Like. My boyfriend, but that's okay. I'm sure he's fine. <3 I wish I had another way to get a hold of him ;_; ugh, bed for me. Maybe I'll draw or colour <3

Night <3

PWN!

HAH I win!!! xD I so win <3

I just got an interview for work. I'm stoked. OMG. Hahah! It's at this shop called DEB. They sell young women's clothing and prom dresses and it's at the mall. YEEEEEEEEEE *dies* xD I hope I get the job. Oh man do I hope. Even if it might just be part time. ANYTHING <3 ^_________________^ PLEASE.

*rolls around* Anyway. I'm gonna try to call them again, and if they're still busy toning me xD I'll just take the bus and go in. I'm pretty sure she said that'd be okay. I can at least set up a time for an interview and shop around a little bit. Hehehe.

I need to write more letters to people <3 Loves to you all ^_^ btw, Love you mama! *chu!*

Depression Sucks

Oh yes it does. I'm really.. tired of being so sad. I want to be happy, but I just... feel like crying all the time. I've found a few things to keep me occupied <3>.> kay. maybe I figured it out, but guess what?! XD I don't have a printer!! xD I'm so screwed. Damn it all >.> Fine. I'll wait one more day xD I've gotta find a printer. Maybe... my friend >.> hmm. Her phone is off tho ;__; meanie!!

I dunno now xD hahaha. I should got to bed. I have 5 and a half hours left to sleep <3 Niiiiiiiight

PS *points at pic* THAT is mah BABEH <3 I love him ^______^ Hee hee

Bummer!

Bah, everyone's moving away. My best friend ish moving to like, Texas--maybe NY. I wish I could just go with her, but she's goin' with a friend. I don't blame her for getting away. I hope there's better things for her over there. I really do. My life is pretty boring compared to hers.

I might have found a job. I need to go over soon. I wanted something in town, but across the street from where I live wouldn't be so bad. Would be really nice really. So I'm gonna give it a shot. It's an Arby's so at least it's good food. I love their sandwiches. I need to walk over there or something. Dammit xD It's hot out. Maybe mom will drive me over tonight.

Hmm. I dunno what more to say. I'm gonna see people around this week. I have a dentist appt Monday. Yuck xD

Oh I know what I wanted to say. There's no food here xP We just had 7 people in this house and there's nothing to eat anymore. We didn't have much to start with. Mom didn't bring home food either. I'm so bloody hungry, but I guess I'm just going to ignore it and pretend I had something good to eat xD; I know it's not good for me, but we don't have money, and I've been having trouble getting a job, and can you imagine that mom doesn't really give a shit? She just tells me I'm not trying hard enough. I'm just some fucked up perverted failure to her, and I'm just. rawr. I don't even want to get started on that.

I hate how heavy I am, but man.... This isn't a way to lose weight. I think I've lost 10 lbs. I'm not eating a lot and I'm playing DDR a lot. It's probably not a good combo. Whenever I almost throw up, I can taste the bile. It's nasty. I get heartburn all the time. This all sucks. xP

Whatever. I'll get a job and get my own damn food. I need to get my license too. Then I could drive a bit. Egh, whatever. Thinking about it is only making me hungrier. I'm gonna go work on commissions now <3

R.I.P?

I didn't know her, but today my step-sisters' step aunt was murdered today. So I've been comforting today. My youngest sister (Emi) was close to her, and so she's been pretty upset. I don't have much to say about it. It's a shame. She lived in Moses Lake, WA.

So, then a bit after they found out and Emi was calming down, Becca went back to her room and after a moment yelled something. Sounded like "Nooo, stop it!!" and mom and I RAN back to the room. We thought she'd yelled because Emi was cutting and trying to kill herself. She actually had yelled that mom sucked xD Becaues she was right about the bed not fiting back there. xD;; Got. it was like--instant heartattack.

Dunno what more to say. I made sushi today. it was good : 3 and looked decent for once xD *look at the piccu above*

*fumes*

FUCK YOU.

.......

GOD I'm so fucking TIRED of this!!! I'M BLOODY EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD FOR FUCKS SAKE. I'm NOT a baby. I can CHOOSE MY OWN LIFE. I wanna draw porn? YAY I CAN. Because I'm an ADULT in all legal senses but drinking!! HAH. So fuck you mom. The ONE THING I'M GOOD AT AND YOU JUST CAN'T APPRECIATE ME FOR ANY OF IT. You don't even like my art when it's just normal.

I'm tired of being the BAD KID because I DRAW MAN SEX. Omg NO. It's so horrible. Because you know. It's SO MUCH WORSE THAN ALMOST GETTING PREGNANT, OR RUNNING AWAY, DOING DRUGS AND ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. Because what YOU READ about your favourite SLASHES between BANDS is so much BETTER! THAT'S PORN TOO!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT DIFFERENT! Yet you look down at ME?! ME?!?! What kind of RIGHT do you think you HAVE?! Is it RELIGION?! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR GOD THINKS ABOUT ME. I really really really really don't. I'm so sick of this. Leave me alone if you're just gonna rub it in that I don't fit in. I need a job.. commissions.. something. Fuck someone PLEASE fucking help me.. I need to get out of here. Before I lose it. Before I do something stupid. Why'd she have to come into my room? She never does. Never. But now she had to. And now I don't know. She's not mad, but she acted like it was SO WRONG. She called it a train wreck you just couldn't stop looking at. I just want to go away. Really bad. Go away. Damn it. Just leave me the fuck alone. Let me live MY LIFE. It's MINE. Not yours.

Damn it. I'm done. I'm not letting this ruin my night. It's going to be a fucking good night.

Fuckkk Kill Me Now

You know what's more than sad? When you get a bit sad because your ex has cut you out of every picture--memory--online, but still dare to say anything online to you. I dunno why it's bugging me really. Yay, great, she's all better now that I'm gone. Yay, she's actually getting into GUYS now that I'M gone. Because you know. I Dunnno. Jezus. I'm tired. I'm too emotional for my own good. I guess I'm just frustrated that even though she said she couldn't let me go no matter how she tried, as soon as I confronted her about things she said behind my back it was like she just magically knew how to *grunts* I still.. Have pictures of her. I have things from prom. I have a couple of pics I liked of her here or there. I hate myself right now for not just trashing them. I should have, but I can't. I'm so upset right now, I'm trembling, and I hate it. Why can't I just be cold and heartless? I'd love to be right now. But then, you know.. I wouldn't be in love. And I am. And I will never love someone so much I think. He's my everything and that's all I need. Even if it's via IM so far. That's 3 years off and on of love that never died or really faltered.

There are so many things I wish had gone different. I wish I'd been loyal to her in the beginning--but I wasn't. I was stupid and young and I wasn't. I guess it could make me a horrible horrible person. I never said I was perfect, but I'm not like that anymore. I've chosen. I'm HAPPY with my choice, and that should be what matters--but dammit. I'm a cancer. I naturally DWELL ON THE PAST. God damn, I'm horrible about it. I bet if I went to a shrink and told them things I dwell on from the past, they'd say I was a bit OCD. I can't not dwell on it. I TRY SO HARD not to. So very hard, but it's there. Nagging and nagging and nagging until I've gone mad. Sometimes I cry. Depends. Sometimes I dwell on something I forgot to give back to a friend over 5 years ago. Sometimes I dwell on something I did I shouldn't have--or something that upset me--or how pathetically easily upset I get!

Sometimes.. I wonder if I would have been better off if I had never gone to the police back then. Maybe then my sisters would have had better lives. I don't know. I think.. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't though. I think I'd be dead. Because I wouldn't have lasted more than 7 years in that. Not with him. Not letting him touch me. I couldn't. Even if he said he was going to stop--I was scared. But I only made things worse--my mother hated me, the police said I was lying for attention. Well FUCK YOU. So what if my mom didn't get to spend much time with me. She still doesn't. I have jealousy problems when it comes to it--sure. I get depressed when my mom treats me different than my sisters, but I would never LIE to get my way. Fuck. Not about something like that. I don't know why mom stayed with him though. I really don't. While with her, he made TWO CHILDREN WITH OTHER WOMEN. She didn't do shit. He grew and sold drugs from home. I knew. I watched. I saw it all. At night.. He'd come home. Drunk. Or High. Something. He'd come in my room before anywhere else. And I just remember waking at night, and I can see the hall light... and he's there over me and he's got a hand down my pants. And it's all I can do to hope he'd done soon and I close my eyes and wait, pretend I'm still asleep. Hope he didn't notice. Don't make noise.. in fear of being hit. Don't make noise, because he's told me not to. It's our secret. I don't want that secret. I'm so tired of that secret. I wish I hadn't grown up so naive. I didn't start to object.. not until I was in 7th grade. It took me 6 years to realize that was wrong. Because I was so sheltered by petty religion.

Wow. I hate how my brain works. I should stop this. I went from ex to being molested. LOL Sad. I guess I got there some logical way in my brain. Who knows.

Anyway. Onto other news. I am plastering my walls with art. I'm happy. It's great <3 Two walls so far. Half way done <3 Then I might do my ceiling as well. Who knows. And man. I need a new incense bottle. Mine's being a butt and dying on me. Dammit all. That's okay. I want the 10 dollar ones anyway. maybe. Might go 20. *shrug* Depends on what I find.

I'm bummed. Turns out the shop I want to work at might be moving to a different state because traffic here just isn't enough. That makes me so sad. I loved shopping there. If she leaves, I'll have to buy all my Japanese goodies online ;___; expensive shipping! Noo! I'm even more bummed because that was my best chance at work ;__; now I guess I'll have to go to fast food. Ew xD Owl might like Taco Bell, but food outside of home isn't that great for me xD haha Even restraunts. If someone knows how to cook, I love home cooked meals <3 Just something nice about them. I guess because I don't get them often.

Hmmm So, I dunno. I'm kinda tired. It's 7 am ish. I haven't slept. I guess I should. I'll finish my walls later when I wake LOL <3 Hopefully I don't give my self nightmares with my dwellings. That would suck.. I don't have anyone right here to turn to. Not a single person right here. Makes me utterly sad. *sigh* Gah. No more thinking. I'm done thinking. I'm gonna go be a lifeless doll for a few hours or something.

G'night to the like... invisible people who read this xD *kisses to all who really do*

<3>

SIGN: "FUCK ME <3"

Hahah I'm tired xD It's almost 4 am. I was tired at midnight, but It's the weekend! I want fun! I DEMAND FUN. <3

Uh anyway. I'm bored. I want a JOB. Damn it all xD All my friends are still in highschool. I graduated. None of my friends who graduated with me talk to me. Whatever, I don't really care. I just wish I'd not done that summer program and just stuck it out one more year. It wouldn't have sucked. I'd be with really cool people and teachers I like. But no, now I'm sitting here everyday. Wishing someone would hire the ex-janitor xP Maybe I should go see if there's anyone who needs a new house keeper at those hotels. I need to find one something. I'm gonna have to go to fast food too xP ew. I just don't like the smell of grease. lol

I'm pretty happy tho. I got in touch with a good friend of mine I haven't talked to in FOREVER. She was my bestest friend since we were both 3 years old. I'm gonna go hang with her for a day soon while she's in town :3 I can't wait.

OH I graduated driver's ed :3 Yay for me. Now I just need to do skid monster and take the test to get my license :3

Mmm I love the new mt dew :3 for the Halo stuff. Soooo goooood. Though hahah funny thing happened the first time I had some xD I was walking from the art store with my sister and after I took a sip (while walking) I just started coughing (no, I didn't inhale it xD I have coughing fits from time to time) and OMG dew does NOT feel good out the nose xD I just coughed, doubled over and it was like I was bleeding orange!! xD LOL I had to run into the restaurant we were by. It was embarrassing xD I was trying to make it look like I had a nose bleed. My sister thought I was dying until she realized all I'd done was cough dew up through my nose xD Then she laughed her ass off alllll day.

Hmn, I dunno what more to talk about. Im' tired. I needed to clean my room, I'll do it another day. I have art stuff to do too :3 But I REALLY want to enter the Blaqk Audio poster contest on DA :3 I think I might have to. I'll just pop the CD in and start drawing the first thing that hits me <3

Other than that, meh. I can't wait for the fair next weekend :3 yay fair!

Anyway, nothin' more to say <3 Bai bai :3

Tetsu